The Perils of Ensign Arbuckle
by LauraCynthia
Summary: What if Jon Arbuckle were a hapless ensign on board the Enterprise - D? Can he stay out of trouble? Unlikely, considering his red shirt and innate knack for failing...
1. On Screen

"Captain, we're receiving a message from Starfleet Command."

The young curly haired ensign turned to look at Captain Picard. His face betrayed his nervousness. This was his first bridge duty.

Picard's expression was neutral. "On screen, Ensign."

The young man's hand froze over the controls. He gulped. Suddenly, he pushed his chair back and stood. _What is he doing?_ Picard idly wondered.

The ensign proceeded to back up slowly. Then, as if shot out by a cannon, he ran towards the view screen.

Picard watched it happen in slow motion. The ensign launched himself off the ground, directly towards the screen, where he landed face first, with a loud _SPLAT!_

A _squeak, squeeeeeak _followed as he slid off the view screen and onto the floor below.

Everyone just stared at the scene before them with a mixture of surprise and disbelief. Picard drew his hand over his face, and with a sigh, he tapped his communicator. "Picard to sickbay – send a medical team to the bridge, _now._"

"On my way." Dr. Crusher's professional voice replied. "What happened?"

Picard raised two fingers in the air (as if she could see them.) "Two words, Doctor; Ensign Arbuckle."

Silence. Then a loud groan. "I'll be right there."


	2. Blame It On The Mirror

The full length mirror in his quarters was to blame.

Ensign Arbuckle stood in front of it now, phaser in hand. It had just been issued to him half an hour ago. The grip felt powerful and the weight felt good. Like an old friend. It was rare that a fresh ensign became the recipient of the latest upgrade, but he'd somehow managed to wind up at the top of the list.

He studied the weapon carefully. Which setting first? It was automatically set on "stun", of course. Heat? He eyed the Iurian dreaming crystal that graced his dresser. Nah. That could start a fire. Again.

Recharge? Nothing in the room needed it.

Kill? He cast a glance towards the sleeping orange cat in the corner. No. While he'd had moments where he'd seriously considered it, he loved Garfield. The creature had been the bane of his existence for years, but also one of his best friends.

So, back to stun. _Sigh_. As he turned towards the mirror once more, he chuckled and smiled at himself. Remembering the days when he used to dream of being a cowboy. And then the faintest of notions crept into his mind.

"Hello, stranger. Don't reckon I ever seen you around these parts before." The drawl slipped off his curled lips. He placed his hand on his hips. "You fixin' to stick 'round here long?"

"Well, now, I might at that." The mirror cowboy's voice was older with a similar twang.

"'Round here, my word is law." He curled an imaginary mustache. "And I say this town ain't big enough for the two of us." Pause. "What say you to that?"

"I say draw your weapon, old timer."

"Fine by me." Arbuckle turned and counted ten paces away from the mirror. Then, in a flash, he whipped around and pointed the phaser at the mirror, squeezing the trigger.

His last thoughts before the powerful beam reflected off the mirror's surface were, _Wait a minute? Did I put the safety on?..._

The powerful jolt knocked him to the floor.

…

Ensign Arbuckle's eyes fluttered open. _Good_, thought Dr. Crusher as she scanned him with a medical tricorder._ At least he's conscious._

The ensign groaned something unintelligible. "What did he say?" she asked Nurse T'Ceel, who shook her head.

Beverly leaned over the biobed to hear him better. "Ensign? Jon, can you hear me? What is it?"

Arbuckle blinked again. "Stupid…..mirror….."


	3. How NOT to Relax

The scream was unearthly.

"What is THAT racket?" Will Riker paused in the hallway near the holodeck suites. He had been heading down to Deanna's office to take her on a surprise lunch date. It had been far too long since they had shared a plate of Opealan root pasta and thought about something other than their jobs for even half an hour.

But the loud shrieking stopped him dead in his tracks. _What's going on in there? _He listened at the door but heard nothing else. _Must be some horror movie_. Shrugging, he stuck his hands in his pockets and walked away.

He was just about to continue on his way when he saw Deanna striding towards the holosuite with a look of urgency on her face. Smiling, he opened his arms to greet her, but was stunned when she pushed past him as though he weren't there, and stood just outside the closed door.

"Nice to see you, too," he laughed, but immediately sobered up when he saw the concerned look on her face. He took her by the shoulders gently. "Hey….what's up?"

"Can you get me in there?" She wrung her hands. "I really need to see what's going on."

He almost asked her why, but it was clear from her body language that something important was bothering her. Her eyes shouted urgency.

He typed in the override code with a flourish. "A program for one of your therapy patients?"

"I – I'm not sure I should-" But then she was through the swishing doors like lightning. Sighing, Will followed her in. _I guess I'll find out soon enough. And technically, it isn't invasion of privacy if I think her life could be in danger. Not to mention the poor_ _patient-_

A shrieking man in a red uniform came out of nowhere and nearly crashed into Riker. Will got his balance back and jogged over to a fallen Deanna. "You okay?" he asked as he helped her up.

"Fine…..but I can't say the same for Ensign Arbuckle." Deanna looked over Will's shoulder at the fleeing ensign, who was cutting through the tall grass as if the devil himself was hot on his trail. And yelling bloody murder all the way.

For the first time, Will looked at their surroundings. It was a peaceful meadow setting. Gorgeous wildflowers in a riot of colors; blue deep sky that stretched on forever; bright, glorious sunshine; a babbling brook just below; songbirds of various types calling to each other. Pure heaven.

The ensign's screams could still be heard in the distance as he churned up the flora and scared various small animals out of hiding.

Deanna stared out at the scenery with confusion. "You know Ensign Arbuckle was having some trouble adjusting?"

Will watched him stomp through the brook. "That's putting mildly, don't you think?"

"Well it was never _this_ bad. Yet." She paused, as if unsure whether she should continue. "I recommended he relax more. Suggested this program in particular. I just can't understand what would provoke this reaction of raw fear and panic that I'm sensing in him right now."

"Well, it doesn't take an empath. No offense."

"None taken, Will." She turned to walk out of the room, her hand pressed to her communicator. "Security? I have a….a delicate situ-"

Arbuckle ran between them, legs pumping, exhausted. "ARGH-" His scream cut as his eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out. Deanna dropped to his side. "Cancel that- send a medical team to holosuites."

Will was about to assist her with Ensign Arbuckle when he heard a loud noise coming from behind him. He turned and did a double take. A fierce Klingon warrior was running directly towards them, _bat-leth _held high above his head, mouth open in a chilling war cry.

"What the devil-" Will raised his arms up to protect them from the coming blow, but it never came.

"Computer, freeze program!" Deanna yelled. Will peeked one eye out, then uncrouched. The Klingon had frozen just inches from them, his blade almost touching the crown of his head.

"Whew! That was a close one," he said as he helped Deanna up. A medical team was already hovering over the depleted Ensign Arbuckle.

Deanna was breathing heavily. "That – that was _not_ in the program. I swear."

"I believe you," he said as they walked out of the room. Deanna looked once more at Arbuckle as the doors swished shut.

She leaned into his side. "I have a feeling I'll be seeing a _lot_ more of him in the near future." Then she poked him. "Did you forget it was a program, Will?"

He smiled sheepishly. "Maybe….for a second there. Thanks."

She shoved her hands in her pockets. "I _still_ can't understand how that Klingon got in there."

...

The creature leapt down from the computer console. Not an easy feat when you're this fat.

Geordi almost stepped on him as he entered the room. "Data, was that Ensign Arbuckle's cat _again_?"

The android pressed several buttons, then looked up from the display. "All the other felines on the _Enterprise_ are in their owner's quarters, Spot included. So one could surmise that is indeed the case."

Geordi shook his head and smiled. "You know, you could have just said 'yes'."

"Answers of one syllable are incomplete without a recitation of circumstances which tend to confirm their veracity."

Geordi sat down across from him in a chair and stared at his unblinking visage. "That's what, the fourth time this week?"

"The 23rd. Several times it has happened in your absence. And each time he appears fascinated by this console in particular. Perhaps someone with traces of fish or catnip on their digits has been using it lately."

"Somebody really needs to tell that guy to lock his door." Geordi pulled up the work history on the screen. "Odd….."

"What is peculiar?"

"An "unknown user" has been accessing the holosuites from here." He scratched his head. " Whatever for?"

Neither one noticed the cat peering around the doorway. Or the Cheshire smile on his face.


	4. Score One For Wesley

"Where is that music coming from?" Picard's gaze flickered past each member of the senior staff gathered in the conference room. They were assembled to discuss the upcoming delegation to Lhjano. The Federation were currently in talks with the Lhjani high assembly regarding a joint Federation-Ljhani colonizing of their ninth moon.

"I don't hear anything, sir." Riker shrugged. He took a sip of coffee before pushing his cup away. "Must be your imagination."

"Must be," Wesley muttered, biting his lip. He had been invited to the meeting because a good friend of his was Lhjani. None of the senior staff had ever had the pleasure of meeting one, so he was pressed into service as a "cultural advisor" of sorts.

"On the contrary, I myself am also detecting unusual sound waves that do not conform to that of ship's systems or a humanoid voice pattern." Data cocked his head to one side, his expression curious. "And they are increasing in volume. I therefore suggest that its proximity is increasing."

Nobody spoke. Worf blinked. Geordi drummed his fingers once on the table. Wesley glanced up at the corner of the room, before staring at his hands.

"It is getting closer."

"Ah."

"I hear it too." Dr. Crusher cupped her hand to her ear. "Is that…._polka_ music?"

Deanna Troi spun around in her chair. "I believe it is." A quizzical expression played over her face.

The sound became louder. "Shall I see what's going on so we can get back to business?" Deanna offered, standing.

"By all means, Counselor," Picard waved his hand towards the door.

But before she could open the door and stick her head out, it whooshed open. Music filled the air as a man playing "Here Comes the Bride" on an accordion danced inside. "Am I late?"

Everyone's jaw hung open. For there stood Ensign Arbuckle in his birthday suit.

"Where's the happy couple?" He looked around at the shocked faces that beheld him. His face turned a deep shade of scarlet as he realized that something was wrong. "Ha, ha, ha….oh…." He lowered the accordion to cover himself, before slinking backwards out the door.

For a moment everyone sat in silence, the meeting completely forgotten. Everyone, that is, except for Wesley, who had turned his chair to the corner and was now laughing madly.

Picard stood, his face hardening. "Care to let us in on the joke, Mr. Crusher?" He crossed his arms over his chest.

Wesley stopped laughing, tears running down his cheeks, swallowing hard. "Sir?"

"I'm waiting," Picard frowned. Everybody was watching Wesley now except Deanna Troi. She appeared lost in thought.

"Of course….." She looked up at Picard. "Captain, remember when Ensign Eulee asked if you'd perform her wedding ceremony?"

"That was _next_ week, was it not?"

"Yes, and she asked me to pass along an invitation to Wesley. Because they were in the Academy together." Deanna tapped her lip with her finger. "By any chance, did you alter your invitation and pass it on to Ensign Arbuckle?"

"Alter? How?"

"Oh, I don't know…..replaced your name with his, moved the date up a week and added a postscript asking him to play for the ceremony, maybe?"

Wesley gulped. "Per-perchance I m-_may_ have had something to do with it…." He smiled guiltily. "When you told me she was Betazoid too,….well….."

Picard was not laughing. "My office. _Now_."

"Yes, sir," Wesley stood up and moved towards the door. An orange cat padded out from under the conference table, following. Wesley bent down and held out his right hand, palm up. The cat's paw touched it briefly before the door closed behind them.

Riker scrunched his brows together. He turned to look at all assembled. "Is it me, or did that cat just high five him?"


End file.
